Learning Indian (1)

Being an account of how I came to accidentally ask a waiter if he had an erection,

First, a factoid. There is no one Indian language; Hindi is spoken by about 20% of the population (mainly in the northern states), but across India there are hundreds of different languages spoken as a mother tongue. In a similar way to how different languages in Europe all use the Roman script because they have their origins in Latin, the official languages of the northern states have their roots in Sanskrit, whereas those of the south have a common Dravidian base. Bombay and Pune are cities in the state of Maharashtra, where the state language is Marathi.

Sitting in the hostel canteen last night I was served dinner by a boy who couldn't stop grinning. My new friends Sid and Vicious, two south Indian students staying in the hostel, suggested he was grinning because he knew I couldn't communicate with him. Au contraire, says I; earlier I asked him "kiti wasta?" and pointed at my mouth. Sid and Vicious look at each other. "What does kiti wasta mean?" asks Sid. "It means 'what time?' in Marathi," I reply coolly. "Well we don't know Marathi, and he probably doesn't either, because he's from Karnataka," Vicious laughs.

Later I tell them about an incident that happened at lunch. "So I'm in this restaurant eating Khichdi Kadi, and I want to practice my Hindi, so I ask the waiter 'kya yaha kadi hai?' and he gives me this weird look like he's trying not to smile, and he calls another waiter over, so I repeat the question and they both burst out laughing and walk away." Sid and Vicious burst out laughing. Sid tells me the phrase has two meanings; Vicious explains that while 'kadi' is a spicy sauce served with khichdi, if the pronunciation isn't spot-on it could be misheard as 'khada', the verb 'to stand'. Which is also slang for 'erection'. So, Vicious explains, while I thought I was saying 'is this kadi?', the waiters may have heard 'is this standing?', or, 'do you have an erection?'